What I've Learned From Almost Dying Twice
This isn't a sentence I have ever imagined writing, but yeah, I thought I was gonna die on two separate occasions. This also isn't a story about a near-death experience. It's actually quite funny.
There’s something about knowing that everything is temporary.
It makes you do whatever the heck you want to do, but at the same time, you also want to be very intentional. It makes you live in the moment, but it could also cause you to overthink everything. And as a chronic overthinker, I know this dance very well.
“What if this is our last flight ever?” I asked Gabes before our plane took off for Cebu. We were on our way to meet our friends in Siargao to celebrate one of dearest pal’s birthday. “Shut up! Don’t say things like that,” she said, but I got lost in my thoughts as I was looking out the window.
Not too long after taking off, the weather changed in a snap. The aircraft was shaking, the seatbelt signs went off, and you can hear the quiet hum of anxiety and fear from everyone. It’s as if we all knew this wasn’t just a normal turbulence. I took Gabes’ hand and we looked at each other, offering we’ll-be-okay glances and I’m-here-with-you squeezes.
“I think I’ve lived a good life. I think it’s fine if I die today,” I said. That was a lie.
I knew as the words left my mouth that I wasn’t ready to die. I had so much things left to do, so many words I wanted to say, and heaps of places I wanted to go to. But a little part of me thought that maybe it would also be nice if I were to die today because I wouldn’t have to think of anything. Poof! And I’m gone.
The next thing I knew, lightning struck the wing of the plane. We were experiencing dips and babies were crying. That flight was rough. I’m telling you, I’m not a religious person, but that moment had me praying.
Obviously, I didn’t die because I’m here writing this for you to read. We made it out of the plane alive. We had to wait a while before the airline staff announced that our connecting flight was canceled due to the typhoon. I have no idea why we did this but Gabes and I started laughing. Maybe a wee bit hysterically. It was absurdly surreal that 30 minutes ago you thought you were gonna die, and now you’re stuck in a hotel hoping that the early morning flight leaves in time for your friend’s birthday party.
Anyway, we got to the birthday party and had the time of our lives. I even got a tattoo of a phoenix which symbolizes death and rebirth, and transformation. Drake was right about one thing, you only live once.
The other instance when I thought I was dying was quite dramatic. I’ll put that on me. My best friend and I were eating frozen yogurt when I felt a sharp pain in my left chest followed by my left arm going numb. Now my dad died of a stroke so I know the early signs. I started singing nursery rhymes so Yen could check if my speech was impaired. It wasn’t and I actually feel fine, except for that stabbing pain and the numbness in my arm. I thought it was only a matter of time before the bomb exploded.
“This is the password to my phone. If and when I die, give my phone to my mom, tell her to open my Google account, and look for this spreadsheet. Everything she needs to know is there,” I told her as we walked home.
I was preparing myself to go. I told my best friends what I wanted to happen in my wake. I even asked some of my closest friends to write me eulogies so I could read them before I go. I really thought, “This is it.”
So I took myself to the hospital, did all of the tests, and chatted with the doctors and nurses about my medical history. It’s not as if they’re gonna find that much, but I did have Gastroesophageal reflux disease (more popularly known as GERD,) which is basically acid reflux. My results came back and the pain that I’ve been feeling was caused by none other than hyperacidity, and it wasn’t an impending heart attack or stroke. I got discharged, and then Yen and I ate ramen to celebrate the fact that I was not dying. Of course I laughed. How could I not?
My first key takeaway from all of those almost-dying experiences is that every day could be your last day. How would you spend it if it was your last one? Have you told the people you love how you feel? Did you drink water first thing in the morning like your life depended on it? Did you get that bowl of cheesy bolognese pasta that you’ve been craving for days now? Did you make someone smile with your compliment? Have you done something that sparked your soul today? Every day could be your last day so do whatever the fuck you want. As long as you’re not hurting someone or you’re not harming yourself, that’s the way we should live.
The second thing that I took to heart is that nothing matters, but at the same time, everything does matter. Most of the things we’re worried about are out of our control anyway. Therefore, we shouldn’t even be thinking about them. That’s one hard lesson that I have had to learn because I tend to overthink. When this happens, there is one question that I use as a tool, which I got from Case Kenny’s New Mindset, Who Dis? podcast, is “Where is this in the spectrum of things that matter in my life?” If it doesn’t matter as much as I thought it would, then it’s going to the rubbish bin.
And third, I learned to just do it, and to do it with every single fiber of my being and with my whole heart. Life is too short to be doing anything you’re half-assed about. People deserve the best version of you. Your job and your hobbies deserve your undivided attention. You deserve to live your best life. If your best life means you have to make bold moves, take big leaps, and leave your comfort zone, then you just freakin’ do it. Have the audacity to embrace your weird, bold ideas and be fine with it. Have the audacity to want nothing but the best for yourself and actually build it. Have the audacity to do what makes you feel alive.
I’m glad I’m still around to write about this.
Once you understand that life is short, you tend to enjoy every moment thoroughly. Amazing read.